Today I am feeling introspective and somewhat philosophical. Those who know me will KNOW that's very unlike me. I'm not deep. I'm not thoughtful (in any sense of the word). I just prefer not to dwell.
But today is Saturday. Unusual in my life because only one thing is on the calendar. I'm sitting alone in a quiet, albeit messy, kitchen and I just made a "collage" of my son on picnik.com:
Say it with me: WOW!
I prayed for this. I've told the story a thousand times. Friends of ours have a son who is 3 years older than Noah and he was built the same way as Noah all through elementary and most of middle school. All of sudden, in about 7th grade, he started to shoot up. It seemed like every week at church, when I saw him, he was taller, leaner, more of a man.
I never saw Noah as anything but a handsome boy but I knew he wasn't "lean". . .not unhealthy, just not athletically built. I prayed he would pull a "Clint Bacon" . . .there, I said the kid's name.
He's doing it. Every day I feel he's grown another fraction of an inch or more. Every day his voice is deeper, he's more of a teenager, less of a boy. And he's becoming a man in so many ways other than just physically.
Marching band started in July. It can be fun but it's also torture on many levels. Sometimes he complains but he keeps going. He's trying things. Pushing his limits -- yesterday was a day off from school and he and his friends went to the local elementary school park and practiced "free running" and "planking" -- nothing dangerous (well, TOO dangerous) but nothing like I'd have seen them doing a year or two ago. More importantly, he is becoming a strong young man after God's heart. He is in the Word. He is trying to live his faith every day and feels compelled to share it -- not in a judgmental way but out of empathy and love for those who don't know Jesus.
I'm so proud of him. At the same time, I'm so sad. There are countless things I wish I'd done differently.
I've had the pleasure and privilege lately of meeting many young moms who stay at home with their children; either homeschooling as they reach school age or just being there when they get home. I'm blown away by them. Many of them do things to earn money from home or on the side -- photography, etsy stores with handmade items, Mary Kay, etc. I'm awed by their love for their families and their ability to sacrifice. I'm humbled by their lives. And I'm sad that I didn't see that as an option when I was a young mother myself.
However, I'm not one to dwell. God has blessed our family so richly. I wasn't the best mom ever but my children seem to see me that way -- talk about GRATEFUL!
Last night was a rare "family game night" -- no one had to work (too late) and so we all had pizza and played Cranium and Balderdash together. We have SO much fun and laugh SO hard on these nights. I'm so amazed at the love we share and so excited about the future. How can I dwell on the mistakes I made when hardly any of it seems to matter when we are all together laughing and loving each other? I can only pray that they learn from my mistakes and observe all the different ways there are to lead their lives and are able to discern God's will for themselves. That would be the greatest blessing of all.
So Noah is becoming a man. And my daughters are amazing young women. I guess I should feel like I've done a good job. But I know my job is never done -- at least while I'm still breathing. I'm grateful for this moment of quiet, when I can feel like at this point I'm doing okay.
I'm trusting God with all the tomorrows. . .
