History in the First Person

Well, the election is over and, even though Missouri and North Carolina are still "too close to call," it appears the people of the United States have smacked their foreheads into the history books and elected an African-American President!!

I'm thrilled with this, of course, and it's a great first step. Now the work begins in our country. Most of it will have nothing to do with Barack Obama. Let's take a long look at the smiling faces on the webpages today and carry them with us starting today. Joy and hope can be contagious and we will need them as our economy, most likely, worsens and soldiers continue to perish in Iraq and Afghanistan. No magic wand was waved last night at midnight so the problems still exist. The difference is, perhaps now we have a leader who can help us, as Keenan says on Saturday Night Live, "fix it!"

God bless Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John McCain, and yes, even Sarah Palin and their families today and grant them rest from their weary sojourn. And may God continue to bless America as we begin ours.

They still don't know him. ..

Barack Obama is the child of a black father and a white mother. As I sit here, NPR just finished an interview with David Axelrod wherein they played a recording of a voter in, I believe, Virginia who as much as admitted she believed that, if elected, Sen. Obama would look out for the interests of "his people." Um, does she know that she's actually ONE OF HIS PEOPLE???

I'm so tired of ignorance. People are just lazy. All the information is there. Readily available. But people choose to stay in the dark and cling to whatever ignorant ideas have gotten them to where they are -- and most people who are truly ignorant haven't gotten very far. . .I mean, I'm just sayin'.

Get a clue people! If you don't know something, look it up! Go to the library and get on the computer if you don't have one. Buy a newspaper! Again, the library has them FOR FREE!!

It's disgusting that we have the privilege of participating in the governance of our country but we don't take even the tiniest step to become truly informed so that we can make the best decision.

Now, more than ever, people need to know the REAL truth. Don't just listen to what they spout in the debates and commercials. . .LOOK IT UP!

'k.. . getting off my soapbox now.

Two-Party “System”??

Okay, here’s my frustration with politics in the good ole U.S. of A…

It’s stupid. How can anyone trust ONE group to meet all of their needs? Take me . . . and I don’t think I’m unique in this because I’m not unique in much of anything. .. I consider myself an “evangelical Christian,” but I’m not a “Republican.” Not the way I see it.

I like it when the government does things for me, like take care of some money for my retirement and, some fine day, my healthcare.

I pray to “end abortion,” but I don’t want to go back to criminalizing woman for having them.

I’m a student of history and, even though it’s been legal for most of my lifetime, I know that women were having them il-legally and DYING, along with their babies, for almost as long as we’ve been able to make babies. Do we really think that’s best?

I believe that the citizens of this country – with “Christians” first in line – should be:

1) Teaching their daughters about sex and its consequences; encouraging abstention but preparing for temptation,

2) Realistic about expectations for those women (young and not-so-young) who have “unwanted” pregnancies,

3) Providing support for those who seek abortions and don’t have them if they are talked out of it (especially by a Christian Organization) and,

4) Therapy for ALL who seek information and assistance.

It makes me so angry to think that people who call themselves Christians can think of no better way to get woman to NOT have abortions than picketing facilities while screaming at patients and, in extreme cases, blowing them up! Why not do something constructive and volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. Hand out their business cards at the abortion clinic. PRAY in the parking lot. Don’t be confrontational and mean, be loving and gracious.

Okay, stepping down from my soapbox now.

As I was saying . . . I don’t want government bail-outs for every idiot who runs a company into the ground and I don’t think the taxpayers should foot the bill for people who spend more than they can afford on a mortgage OR the companies who let them do so. However, I’m not an economic or financial genius, as evidenced by our credit score and bank balances, so I’m willing to let someone smarter than I am to make decisions about it for the most part.

I don’t want a socialist society, per se, but I would like to see a fairer tax code and I believe that, in the wealthiest country on the planet, it’s a travesty to have children go hungry and homeless. Frankly, I’m angrier with the Christian community about the existence of all the hunger and need in our country than with the government. Jesus called us to give to and care for “the least of these.” Not hoard money and treasure for ourselves “where moths and rust . . . destroy.”

I want us out of Iraq. I want Osama bin Laden hunted down and brought to justice and he’s not in Iraq. Never was.

Finally, sort of, I don’t want someone LIKE me running the country. As forward-thinking as the founding fathers were, I’m not sure they ever envisioned what the US has become. It’s much bigger and much more complex than even those brilliant men could have anticipated. So, even though John Adams

and Thomas Jefferson

envisioned “every man” being able to be President, “every man” (or “woman”) is not who I want running this country. I’d like to see someone in charge that can RELATE to me . . . but definitely think it should be someone smarter than me. A lot smarter.

Which takes me back to the two-party question – what smart person really wants to be held to some broad guidelines thought up by party big wigs who are completely out of touch? I want someone who’s not beholden to anyone else for any reason and is going to do what’s best for the country regardless of what the party says.

Oh well, in a perfect world. . .

I'm not worthy. . .

I meet with my best good friend, Marty, on Thursday mornings (at least we’ve been doing so for about a month now and I’m LOVING it!). We’ve been meeting at Starbucks and just sort of catching up on our lives over the last week (or in the case of this morning, two weeks). This morning we got a little deeper in a couple of different ways and I want to write down and explore one in particular before I forget about it.

I am depressed. And I feel guilty about being depressed because I’m so very blessed. I know so many people, friends AND family, whose lives are SO hard. .. what's my problem?

Part of it is my job – as hard as I try to just say to myself, this job is paying me good money and I can get through it, I’m unfulfilled and disappointed in myself.

Part of it is – and this is where my talk with Marty comes in – I don’t feel worthy.

I hadn’t ever looked at it that way. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m pretty arrogant. I’m smart and I have very little tolerance for anyone I think should be smart who isn’t acting like it. (Hence my disdain for McCain/Palin. . . but that’s another rant/post.) I'm sure I put off a very confident, if not disdainful, dare I say, elitist(?), vibe.

However, Marty and I share a history. Not that we grew up together or “knew each other when,” but in the sense that, like many young women, we suffered from an abysmal lack of self esteem as teens and young adults and we both tried the same things to fill the “God shaped hole” all humans have.

This morning, she mentioned that, despite what looks to outside eyes to be an exemplary life, a (seemingly) relatively easy life, Marty suffers from depression, too. Because we were "bad" as young women, we feel we don't deserve the life God has given us. We know we don't have to earn anything. That God's grace is unmerited by its very definition. That doesn't change the fact that, inside, we still feel the stain of our lives "before." We are both working hard to internalize the head knowledge but still. . .

What does this mean? Do I overeat to punish myself for being so blessed? Do I sabotage our finances in order to suffer and thereby earn the blessings God has seen fit to bestoy on me, on us?

Am I overstating/overanalyzing this? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I take a lot for granted and I need to stop it. All of it could end at any moment. We are, literally, one catastrophic illness or repair away from being homeless.

Sometimes I get it. Sometimes. At those times, I’m so grateful that I remember to take care of myself and love myself as Christ loves me. When I’m fit and at a good weight and feeling good about how I look, I’m, oddly enough, NOT depressed!

Perhaps, if I am proactive about my weight, the job will be easier to take. I don’t think I’ll ever LIKE it, but maybe my attitude will be better.

On the other hand, maybe not. But it’s certainly worth a try.

On an unrelated note, sort of, I got a comment on my previous post about my kids and Corey kindly added that they have “very special parents” . . . I would add that their parents have a loving God. One who, knowing how messed up Mom is, and loving Dad so much, gifted the two of them with fabulous offspring! I’m only half joking. . .

God bless you today and thanks for stopping by.

Noah's Prayer and other cool stuff about my kids

I'm about to describe a moment in my son's life that I'll want to remember because there won't be that many of them soon. . .he's 11 years old and not getting MORE sweet and innocent.

So, it was bedtime and I took a moment to lay down with Noah and listen to him talk about his day. I used to hold him in my arms when we did this but he's almost as tall as I am now and a bit too old for that. ..

In any event, he went on to tell me about three boys he goes to school with:

1) Dave, who fell asleep in Science class and didn't get in trouble for it even though the teacher looked right at him and he has a history with all the teachers of disruptive behavior. A boy in the same class "spoke out" to give an answer and DID get in trouble, ending up in the hallway for the remainder of the class. Noah's sense of justice was clearly tweaked.

2) Gabe, who is autistic and is disruptive but, apparently, brilliant, is being moved to Noah's Science class because they are apparently the best "role models" for Gabe. Noah has seen kids make fun of Gabe because of his in appropriate outbursts. I asked Noah if he ever said anything to them and he shrugged but seemed to internalize it.

3) Brandon. His mom was dying. Today we found out that she died.

I got all of this in a burst of fervent conversation. I got up to leave and he said he was going to pray. I asked if he wanted me to stay and he said I could. . .and here was the moment.

Noah prayed for Dave -- that his behavior would improve. For Gabe, that kids wouldn't make fun of him. And for Brandon's mom -- that she would get better but if she did die, that it wouldn't be painful.

I prayed for Noah, that he would be brave enough to be a role model to his friends.

And then tonight, Mary spoke to our GROW (Get Revived on Wednesday) class. We weren't there. . .but she was giving a testimony about an episode at camp over the summer when she definitely encountered some spiritual warfare.

I got the coolest note from the teacher/facilitator, Corey Nelson (www.cantankerouschristian.com) saying what a good job she did.

And Sara. . . well, she's committed. When she makes a promise, she keeps it. She helps with 2nd and 3rd grade at GROW and tonight was difficult. But she went.

I'm so proud of my children. They have their moments but today I'm extremely proud. And at the same time, humbled. They are great kids. . . and Tim and I have worked hard to be the best parents we can be but we were very young when we started and so we can't take all the credit. God has blessed us.

And for that I thank Him.

I'm Here

So, I'm getting my chance at redemption with Sara. Unfortunately, she's suffering so it's not very uplifting for me.

My sweet, beautiful child has suffered some with acne the last couple of years -- nothing monstrous but noticeable to a teen aged girl -- and we had often discussed taking her to a dermatologist but had opted to try over-the-counter remedies. Some worked for a while but, perhaps due to sporadic use over a prolonged period of time, all stopped.

Then, during band camp this summer, she developed blemishes on her chest, shoulders and inside her elbows. Blech. She could deal with it on her face, everyone gets it there but the other places were gross to her.

So to the dermatologist she went the week before Labor Day weekend and she got an entire set of regimens for her skin (different stuff for different areas) and an oral medicine that looks like it's in the tetracycline (spelling?) family from its name.

Her skin started to clear within the first few days and then she went to Cumberland -- and got a bad sunburn on her face, causing painful burning sensations for her and worry for me.

Of course, band practice goes on and she has gone from bad to worse with pain and now has developed small patches of chapping on her chin. I had her put Neosporin ointment on it last night before bed, thinking, it's medicine! Well, it had started to ooze a bit by this morning -- nothing gross or noticeable to the naked eye but awful for her and she was mortified by the time I dropped her at school.

It didn't help her that I had tried to go swimming at the Y this morning (getting up at 5 a.m.) and had missed getting into the pool by a hare's breadth, and worse, beaten by an 80-something, emaciated old man! I was in a foul temper when I got home from a quick stop at Kroger and she was still in bed, Tim was in the shower, Noah was IN LINE for the shower, I needed a shower and so did Sara! Grrrrrrrr.

So at 3 p.m. we return to the dermatologist's office. I am pretty much convinced that she needs to stop taking the medicine until after band season is over -- competitions are outdoors for the most part and ALL practices are. . . I just hope getting off of it will help. They have offered to give us sunscreen samples, etc. but I'm not sure I even want to try that. Sara already has "wounds" from this.

So today I redeem myself. And pray I can just continue to be available and not continue to need redemption. . .

Being There. . . but not with Peter Sellers

I never saw that movie.

What I'm talking about is something I brought up in a post last September. Being here for my kids as they try their wings.

Mary and Ethan broke up this summer. I should say, HE broke up with HER. This is the first time this has happened to her, as she usually does the breaking and she has been in pretty bad shape.

The rest of the Ham Fam is at Lake Cumberland this weekend with another family camping and boating. But Mary has to work today and tomorrow and, well, I needed to be here. She's been sad and not eating and conflicted and I didn't want to leave her alone. Sara was not happy about NOT staying home too but she kindly went. I am hoping and praying she understands that, when the time comes, I'll be here for her too. I'm also acutely aware of the ways in which I have NOT been here for her lately.

Which leads me to ask myself if I am ever truly here. I want to trust God enough to live each moment. Responding to my environment with only that moment in mind, nothing else.

This week, Sara called me from school and needed me to help her. I don't need to go into details but it was during my lunch hour, which, if you have read any of my other posts, is precious "me" time. I probably don't need to tell you I wasn't particularly nice to her on the phone, and, while I apologized when I got to school, the damage was done.

I tell my children they are my heart but when I respond in that way, can they really believe me? Do I really mean it when I say it?

So, I'm lifting up a prayer for this weekend and beyond but also for this moment. The I'll be in it.

New Haircut and other random stuff from the last couple of days. . .

Well, in my schizophrenic way, I have changed my hair. . . again.

It's my Grandma Bunger's fault, really. She was what we called when I was a kid, a "beautician." They're not called that anymore and I'm not quite sure why.

However, she also TAUGHT Beauty School. She was an instructor at Continental Beauty School in Dayton, Ohio. There was a DJ on local radio named Steve Kirk and we would listen to his show every morning for news and weather as we got ready for the day. My Grandma would stay with us a couple of days a week to help around the house (how lucky was my MOM -- who admits it openly) and most mornings we'd hear Steve Kirk say, "Stop on down to Continental Beauty School and ask for 'Big Red!'" That was my Grandma. She had a lot of different hair-dos, too, and colors, but mostly it was red.

Anyway, one of my earliest memories is of sitting on the fold-out stool in the kitchen of our house on Shiloh Springs Road (where now there is a Lowe's parking lot -- I loved that house, talk about "paved paradise". . .but I digress), and Grandma cutting my hair. I was very young, so she may have just been trimming it because pictures of me from that age show me with long-ish hair. But that didn't last long.

I was the guinea pig, the model, the "demo."

Early on I had a pixie. In fourth grade, before it was popular, I had a "shag." Everyone made fun of my hair but all the rich and popular kids came back from Christmas Break with hair cuts just like mine. Of course, that didn't make me "in." I already had the next haircut.

In sixth grade it was a "wedge." Just like Dorothy Hamill -- sort of. I was the guinea pig, remember, so it wasn't exactly right. However, again, a few short months after I broke ground with it, several of the more popular girls were sporting them.

I danced. From the age of five to my sophomore year in high school. All the other girls in ballet class had cute, tight buns. NO -- not butt buns, hair buns. It made me so sad that I didn't look like them. We'd have a recital or my mom would watch me in class and say, "Honey, your hair looks so pretty when you do turns with it cut like that." I don't recall whether I ever told her how much it hurt to not have hair like the other girls. Looking back, I'm sure it was cute. . .I'm just sayin'.

I must have asked to let my hair grow out at some point because I remember being told it was too thin. . . ask anyone who knows me or has had to wait for me to dry my hair. It's not thin now. It is my belief that, like all the other hair on my body, the more times I cut my hair, the thicker it gets. My hair is pretty thick.

Grandma is gone now. I miss her a lot and wish she could see the woman, wife and mother I have become and the family that carries her legacy of love to the next generation. I have a lot of stories about her because she was such a huge part of my life. I was so fortunate to have her and never really appreciated her. Sometimes I hated her just for being around. It makes me cry to think how often I could have just given her a hug but I snubbed her and ignored her. I'm ashamed of the way I treated her because she was such a treasure. She was our family's glue and since she's gone we see a lot less of each other. It's more of an effort now.

Again, I digress.

(Deep breath and sigh.) So, I was really tired of my scraggly hair. Having it cut a lot when I was young spoiled me for healthy hair. And FREE hair cuts. I nearly had a cardiac arrest in college when I finally had to PAY to get my hair cut and realized how much my Grandma had saved my mom and me over the years. I'm just glad my girls like their hair long. . .

I'm back and forth about continuing to color it -- I'm curious about just how much gray I actually have. But I can't stand to have a lot of frizz and dead ends so I called Ecotage (the salon I've been going to for a couple of years now) but my regular "stylist," Melanie, couldn't help me because she gets off early on Thursdays. Well, this was urgent. I felt like if I had to look at my hair in the mirror one more day I'd cut it myself. . .Heaven forbid!

So I called a salon closer to home: Alure. Used to be Planet Salon but for a while it's been Alure. Everyone says it's expensive and I guess it is compared to SuperCuts but it's comparable to Ecotage. I checked their website.

So I got an appointment with Jen and showed up at 5:15 p.m.

Okay, let's go back a step. You know that whole story I started with about being my Grandma's guinea pig? Well, I tell that EVERY TIME I go to a new stylist. My hair fickleness originates there but it never really stopped so I've had several different colors of hair (including a sort of dark-pumpkin-Lucille-Ball color that started out as a mistake, but became the butt of every joke told around me for months) and many lengths and styles (including an Annie Lennox phase in college). I am SO NOT afraid to get my hair cut on. I KNOW FOR A FACT it will grow back!

So, I tell my story about Grandma and how I've done all these things to my hair and I say, "I am not afraid. If I tell you short, I want SHORT." Then I say, "cut it" and they are ALWAYS timid! I'm 43 years old. I KNOW what I want my hair to look like -- at least in that moment. I've sort of resigned myself to it but, ever the cockeyed optimist, I try it every time anyway.

Which brings us to Jen at Alure. She listened. She said, "okay, we're gonna have fun with this!" And fun we had! My hair is SO cute! It hasn't been this short in forever but I love it! This is even more meaningful because it's been several days, I've washed and styled it myself, slept on it and it's now dirty -- and I STILL love it!

I'm not sure this has any purpose other than to say I'm glad I found Jen.

And I miss my Grandma.This sweet picture is from Christmas of 1993.
(Grandma Bunger (aka GG), Sara at one year old and wild-haired Mary at I-just-turned-four.

So, the title mentions "random stuff" and, when I started this novel of a post I was thinking of several things to write about but I don't want to make you sit staring at your computer screen much longer because I'm sure your boss or spouse is looking over your shoulder and you've been so engrossed in my story you didn't even notice. Suffice it to say, I'm blessed and I love my husband.

Arrogant Americans

So, I started writing this a couple of days ago and had to move on to something more pressing but I couldn't bring myself to delete it. . .

I can understand how we have such a bad reputation. I mean, where else do people ignore driving laws just because they have a bigger vehicle or no one's looking?

I know this seems random, but it's true. I had an incident over the summer with a woman driving an SUV -- I think it was a Toyota but that's not really important -- I was waiting my turn in a crowded parking lot and she tried to go around me. .. . where other cars were parked! I actually rolled my window down to ask what she thought she was doing and she said "what do YOU think YOU'RE doing?" It was just frustrating.

This afternoon, I was on my way back to the office from my local Kroger and came to a traffic light that truly has no purpose unless it's rush hour because it helps direct school traffic. Well, the light was red. . . and the guy stopped in front of me totally ran it. Less than a minute after he decided it was okay for him to just randomly break the law, it turned green.

How Cool Is This?

So, I'd finished typing the previous entry this morning and this devotion showed up in my Inbox:

August 20, 2008

I Want, I Need, God Wants Me to Have

Sharon Jaynes
Today's Truth: "But godliness with contentment is great gain," (1 Timothy 6:6 NIV).

Mary Elizabeth was strolling down the cookie aisle at Wal-Mart with her three-year-old daughter, Sarah, who was riding comfortably in the "front seat" of the shopping buggy. Suddenly, Sarah spied a box of sugar cookies that were coated with pink icing and decorated with multi-colored sprinkles.

Her eyes brightened with enthusiasm as she put on her best cherub face. "Mommy, I want those cookies."

"Oh, Sarah," replied her mom, "we don't need any cookies today. We have plenty at home. Maybe another time."

Ten minutes later, as Mary Elizabeth passed through the checkout line, Sarah tried again. "Mommy, I need those cookies."

"No, Sarah, you don't need those cookies. We have plenty at home, and I'm not buying cookies today."

Finally, as they pulled out of the Wal-Mart parking lot, Sarah gave it one last try. "Mommy, I think God wants me to have those cookies."

I laughed as my friend told me her story. It was a nervous laugh because for just a moment, I saw myself riding through life in a shopping buggy, pointing at first one thing and then another whining, "I want...I need...God wants me to have."

Sarah had already learned our mechanism for justifying our whims. Whether it's sugar cookies with sprinkles on top or a new red convertible, given enough time we can justify our wants following that same progression. For Sarah, she went from I want to I need to God wants me to have in a matter of minutes. For us, it may take a little longer, but the tendency is still there.
However, God is very clear in His promise to supply everything we need which may be a far cry from everything we want.

Let's Pray

Dear Heavenly Father, forgive me when I act like a child and want more. Forgive me when I go from "I want" to "God wants me to have" in the blink of an eye. I know You desire me to have a thankful heart - a contented heart that wants only one thing...more of You. I say with the Psalmist, "The Lord is my Shepherd. I have everything I need." In Jesus' Name, Amen
Now It's Your TurnHave you ever justified your wants by saying that God wants you to have them?

Ouch! That hurts, doesn't it?

Ponder these two verses today:
"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19 NIV).

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness" (2 Peter 1:3 NIV).

More from the Girlfriends

Today's devotion was taken from Sharon's new devotional book, Extraordinary Moments with God. Come with Sharon as she dusts for God's fingerprints that change ordinary days into extraordinary moments. As you explore this treasury of stories highlighting "God moments" in the lives of fellow travelers, you too will begin to sense His presence in extraordinary ways.
Seeking God? Click here to find out more about how to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Girlfriends in God

P.O. Box 725

Matthews, NC 28106

info@girlfriendsingod.com

www.girlfriendsingod.com

So, I guess I was getting the right message from my reading this morning. Further irony can be found in the fact that the mom in the devotional is "Mary Elizabeth" (my eldest child's FULL name) and the daughter is "Sarah" (misspelled but the name of my middle child - Sara). God is so good and it's so wild the lengths to which He will go to make a point!

My Heart's Desires

Today my daily Bible reading led me to this:

Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

I must have actually been listening this morning because I started really considering what the "desires of my heart" could be.

I thought about what is most important to me:

• Healthy, well-adjusted children
• A faithful, loving husband
• Income to provide food and shelter
• Opportunity to cultivate a deeper relationship with Christ
• Close friends with whom to share insights, but mostly just a laugh

I have all these things.

Why, then, am I so discontented? I feel I have just discovered how arrogant I am. I'm sure I'm not alone, and I complain about the sense of entitlement in our society, but I have it too! I'm so ANGRY that I got my college degree (which was really given to me since I screwed off so much in college) and now I don't have a job that's highly paid AND highly satisfying. I'm so ANGRY that God hasn't helped me find another position. In the meantime, I'm paid a good deal of money at a location that is beyond perfect (the center of my world -- 5-10 minutes from my home, kid's schools, my favorite grocery. . .need I go on?); I'm not closely supervised which allows me to do things at my own pace AND do a certain amount of personal business (including reading my Yahoo e-mail, Facebook-ing and writing in this blog occasionally). What the???

Who am I to be discontented? People a world away are DYING because they even say they love Jesus. People around the corner don't have a job or a home. My own brother has dysfunction in his family beyond anything I could imagine -- and he's not a bad guy and is a Christian. What makes me think I'm so special that I should have ALL those things listed above and still not have the "desires of my heart"??? I hadn't thought about it before but God really has given me those things because they ARE the desires of my heart. I have them!! Wow! I'm blessed beyond measure.

I just hope I can remember it when someone here at work gets on my last nerve or I mess up my work for the umpteenth time.

God be with me today and help me to remember how BLESSED I am (yeah, that word is SO over used!!) and those who are NOT!

Thanks for stopping by. K

What If?

I had a funny thought in the bathroom this morning while I was drying my hair. Somehow that song, "How Do I Know" (or whatever it's called) from Enchanted is stuck in my head even now (because I don't know all the words and can't finish singing it to myself. . . anyone feel my pain on this?) and I was seeing that scene in my head with Amy Adams and Patrick Dempsey running around in Central Park and I thought, "She'd have been up a creek if she'd run into a POOR guy first . . ."

I mean, really, what mechanic or fry cook at McDonald's is gonna be able to pay for that bouquet she picks out? Actually, I'd be interested to see that movie. How would that guy's girlfriend react and what "ball" would there be to attend? Think about it. . .

Passages

So we spent last weekend with Tim's parents at Dale Hollow Lake. When I say "we," I mean me, Tim, Sara and Noah. Again, we were in a "missing (wo)man formation" without Mary. There's a serious hole in me when she's not along. I wonder if I'll ever get over that and what it will be like when there are three. . .

In any event, as I've mentioned before, vacations for the Hamiltons have been spent with my In-laws for, well, ever. Since before Tim and I were Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton.

They never will be again. At least not in the same way. Bob and Janet have decided to sell their boat and had actually talked to a guy (who incidentally lives in Mason, Ohio where THEY live) during the time they'd been there the week before. So, not knowing this, we left Mary in Kentucky. As if she needed any MORE drama in her life. ..

This turn of events is bittersweet in that vacations will never be the same. But on the other hand, vacations NEED never be the same! Tim's brother, Tony, has already suggested we rent a boat together and Tim's folks have given us their gear: skiis, life jackets, etc. This might be fun, but a whole world of opportunities is opening to us and that, in a weird way, is exciting.

Perhaps we'll return to Disney World before Mary leaves the nest. A cruise for the whole family? Why not? Of course, that's the fly in this ointment... we have vacationed for a pittance for 25 years. .. .now we'll have to pay, and dearly I'm sure, for our summer fun.

Oh well, I'm looking forward to putting our collective heads together and coming up with something new.

Real Girl

On July 14, I become a permanent employee of Uranium Disposition Services (UDS). This is a good thing because I will be able to receive the associated "benefits" -- such as paid time off. Do I really want to be a "permanent" employee? Not so much. I am, even now, awaiting word from Stites & Harbison about a second interview for a Legal Assistant position they have open.

I have applied for Events Coordinator position with Special Olympics Kentucky.

and the list goes on. . .

However, I am slowly learning that I'm not my job. Am I fulfilled by my job at UDS? Nah. Can I stay there until Steve retires August 1? Sure. And beyond? Yep. Do I want to be there a year from now? Um, no. But I've learned I can't hang without vacation days. . . duh.

So, in other news. We're on our annual pilgrimage to McMinnville, TN to visit my cousin, Dawn, and her clan of dogs and children (see link on my home page for her website -- she takes awesome pics). It's great -- instant party. But Mary's not with us this year so it seems strange and I'm a little sad. That's not the only reason I'm sad but that's part of it.

I really need a new job -- wait, that's backtracking. It's just that I've gained like 20 lbs since I've been at UDS and I'm not motivated to exercise or anything.

Okay -- I'm going to visit with my family now.

Why didn't I get my Masters???

I don't know what it is about me and crappy jobs. . . or "grass is greener" mentality. I have been saying for months that leaving KET was the stupidest thing I've ever done. . . and I couldn't have been more right as of today.

I've been trying to be so good. Taking vitamins so I won't get sick. Trying to assimilate all the complicated instructions about my job. I don't do much but what I am responsible for is very complicated. Did I say I'm 43 years old?

So today, I e-mail my timecard to the temp agency and get an e-mail back confirming receipt of it. And a request that I call when I can talk. DUN DUN DUN. . . (ominous background music)

I am told I have "attendance problems." What the??? I had a litany of answers to this but what it boils down to is that I asked off for days to which I was ALREADY COMMITTED. And my boss and the HR manager both signed off on them. . . problem is, neither one of them is in the office right now (or for the foreseeable future because rumors are flying fast and furious but no one seems to know the truth about where they are or why they aren't working). So I'm a temp in a highly polarized, negative working environment -- stuck in the middle of what makes it negative -- who is now seen as some sort of slacker.

I'm so sad and I feel very alone. I thought the temporary agency would be my advocate. Instead, they have taken their "client's" side. . . whoever it is that's complaining about me (I was told that particular piece of information was not my business).

I'm trying hard not to totally despair but it's not easy. I want to be grateful I have a job but then I think "life is TOO SHORT" .... I don't want to be like the people I work with who are there 60 hours a week. There are more important things to me.

I'm so insulted and hurt. Affronted. Nauseated. Scared.

God, just help me get through one more day. Then we'll discuss Wednesday.

A valentine for my Luvah

This was SO easy and very much fun -- took all of five minutes with pics I already had on the computer. . . . waiting to see what Tim thinks. . .

Make a free ecard - it's easy!

New Do's. . .

So, the girls and I went to the salon yesterday (Saturday). We were all SO ready to get our hair cut. . . especially Mary who, along with many other Asbury girls, has committed to donating her hair to Locks of Love in April. She got her ends trimmed and a style (which was like paying TWICE for her hair since two different girls worked on it and I had to pay them BOTH).

Sara and I went drastic. . .

Updates

Well, my new boss offered his assistant a promotion yesterday and she accepted and agreed to train me. . . but that probably won't start until Monday.

High School Musical performances have begun and all shows are SOLD OUT except Sunday evening. . . so get your tickets for that one now!

Mindy at L.I.F.E. House in Frankfort sent me this picture she took of me, Sara, Woodie and our new baby, Dash, the day we picked him up:

New Baby!

So the newest member of our family is. . . Dash! Named for the speedy little blonde dude in Disney's The Incredibles (because with another dog named Woodie, the kids decided we had a "theme" going and the blanket in his crate is one I got for two box tops from Tide with, you guessed it, The Incredibles on it). I had chosen Sam until I looked up dog names on the internet and discovered that's the MOST popular dog name in the U.S.! Who knew? So we narrowed the choices down to Jack-Jack (for what I hope are obvious reasons), Dash and Trey (my idea -- not Disney-related but he IS our third pet. . .seemed cool at the time). Noah really was the final decision maker and we went with Dash. It fits.

He is a three month old Jack Russell mix. I adopted him from LIFE House in Frankfort (http://www.lifehouse4animals.org/). Sara was my travelling buddy and was a real trooper. . .but you'll have to ask HER what that story is about. He's so sweet but he is away from his brother and sisters for the first time so he gets a little nervous in new situations (like when we take him to High School Musical practice and all the girls (and some of the boys) come running up to pet him. . . or we drive him to Wilmore to visit Mary's friends). His first night in a crate was a LONG one. . .

He's very smart -- he is already being very good about going "outside" -- at least when we read his body language correctly -- and he loves all the chew toys we bought him. When he runs, which he LOVES to do when there's room, he does a little bunnyhop -- sort of a miniature version of Woodie's antelope leaping.

Here are some shots so you can see how little he is. . .

. . . and finally, "big sister" after a full day of dealing with Dash. . .

Rant

Okay. So I'm sort of lost in the jungle of job possibilities. I'm over 40 (yeah, hard to believe) and things are narrowing down for me. I can't just quit and find something immediately. I've tried unsuccessfully for 20 years to feel fulfilled with a job. It's just not happening. Especially the paralegal gig. So I found a new job. I put my notice in at the law office last week. I'm returning to what I know and do best -- clerical work. I'll be the Executive Assistant to the President of a company here in Lexington. Cool. However, I had to get through my last two weeks at the law office first.

I haven't been "healthy" since I started the law office job in September. I don't know whether it was the pressure I put on myself to perform and earn what they told me was a high salary, whether it was just general stress from a new job that was very demanding, financial/family stress, something in the building, not exercising or eating right, a combination of all of the above. . . whatever it was, I was sick almost constantly. I called in a lot. Not to take advantage of them, but because I was regretting that I left KET and feeling trapped in a place I could not deal with. Christmas came and they gave all the girls that worked for them pearl necklaces. And we all got bonuses. Some people grumbled. I don't know how much the other employees got, but my check was a nice surprise. I thought, "these people are so generous!" They are bulldogs when it comes to practicing law. But unorganized and distrustful. Nothing leaves the office without being scrutinized by the two partners and no pleading is signed with anyone else's name. No one "writes" letters but them, which means they have to see every piece of mail before it goes out. I had only 2 cases to deal with for the first two months and then I got 10 insurance defense cases -- half of which were either on the verge of closing or were sent for "opinions." The other half had just been opened. I was bored most days. . . and then an event would loom for one of the original cases (medical malpractice) and I would wait and wait for instruction. It would come the day before, sometimes the day of, the event. Toward the end I tried to anticipate the need so I'd be able to get a jump on preparation but that only backfired. I was so frustrated. Still, I did the best job I could do.

Then I gave my notice last week. Through all the words to the contrary, the office became icy toward me -- not everyone, just the partners (a married couple). I started hearing things I'd not heard before, like an unimaginable number of staff turnover.

Last Friday I started to feel flu-ish again and by Monday I headed into the office feeling feverish. I called in sick yesterday and got a call from the office manager saying my services with the law office were considered "terminated." She said they'd mail my check and, I think, asked if I'd mail my keys back -- or something like that. Anyway, I said I'd come in Wednesday (today) to drop off my keys because I needed to pick up my personal belongings. She said okay. About an hour later she called back to say that I was no longer welcome in the office. The partners were afraid if I came in I'd "upset the other girls." The office manager then told me she expected to be in town (there are two offices, one on the other side of the state and that's where she is) Wednesday and would bring my check and collect my things and we could meet to exchange for the keys. I felt so insulted. When I gave my notice, I included a check as reimbursement for the fees they paid so I could become a notary -- which I put off doing because I wasn't sure I was going to stay but was a requirement for the job. Now they were saying they thought I was petty enough to come in and do something stupid in the office. It was disconcerting to say the least.

Well, the office manager called me today to say she won't be in town until tomorrow (Thursday). They are stringing me along for spite now. It's so stupid. I'm putting on a happy face with my family but I feel out of place and out of sorts. I wasn't the best employee in the office but I worked really hard and put a lot of myself into that office. They told me all along I was doing a great job. . . .now I really wonder if that's what they thought.

And now for something completely different. . .

Election 2008

I've been following this election cycle closer than ever. It's exciting for so many reasons and interesting to see how far off the polls will be from the actual voting results for the rest of the primary. I support Obama. Have donated money to his campaign. I guess I'm the exception to the rule. I'm in that age bracket they say is typical for Hillary Clinton supporters. I'm so insulted that the news keeps expressing disbelief that, given a woman candidate and a slate of others, women would choose NOT to vote for the female candidate. Hello! Yes, I want a woman to be president some day, but not just ANY woman! Right now, our country needs a President who will bring us back together -- unite us. We need to be working toward common goals with no party lines and no bickering. Our country's road slopes ever downward and we need someone who can get us working to shore it back up. As smart and capable as Hillary is, I think she is just too divisive -- and I certainly don't want Bill anywhere near a new crop of Whitehouse interns!

It's going to be an exciting year in politics. . .

On The Golden Compass

Okay -- The Golden Compass. BIG controversy with some Christians right now. I'd heard enough about the author that, while I had initially been interested in seeing the movie, we haven't gone as a family (Mary saw it on her dime) because I didn't want to put money in Mr. Pullman's pocket. But I decided I couldn't be truly against it until I'd actually read it. I'm a Harry Potter fan and have been since I read the first book (BEFORE it became popular).

So, I borrowed it from the library and just spent the last several days becoming enlightened. . . no, saddened. It's a wonderfully imaginative, beautifully worded book. I'd love it. . . .even the part about the church because the church universal has committed some hefty atrocities. But this guy just doesn't get it. He doesn't believe in God, so he's made God small. This book is based on a fallacy: that the church is truly representative of God. The church has done, and continues to do, sinful, atrocious things. Based on his initial premise, God is sinful and atrocious. Fuzzy math. One of the main characters, Lord Asriel, even goes so far as to say that his goal is that "death" should die. Already happened. Jesus did it.

I am not my denomination. I am a Christian. I am an intelligent, thinking person. I believe that Jesus Christ died for me. I believe that the church is a human attempt to worship an unimaginably big God. It falls woefully short at times but sometimes it gets things right, too.

I feel so sorry for Philip Pullman and his family. It makes me unutterably sad to think that the church has done such a poor job of actually conveying the message of Christ. Missionaries do it with their very lives and so do a lot of the church MEMBERS I know. As a big, powerful body though, we continually fall short.

I am praying for Mr. Pullman. That some day he meets my Jesus. Who loved the poor, disenfranchised and lowly. Who was God as flesh. Who lived as a man and felt all that we feel. In our humanness, we fall short of conveying the majesty and wonder of the story -- especially after 2000+ years, but I pray he hears the truth and is able to embrace it. And writes something new. .. . because this could have been a wonderful and powerful story if he knew the real Power behind the church he scorns.