I meet with my best good friend, Marty, on Thursday mornings (at least we’ve been doing so for about a month now and I’m LOVING it!). We’ve been meeting at Starbucks and just sort of catching up on our lives over the last week (or in the case of this morning, two weeks). This morning we got a little deeper in a couple of different ways and I want to write down and explore one in particular before I forget about it.
I am depressed. And I feel guilty about being depressed because I’m so very blessed. I know so many people, friends AND family, whose lives are SO hard. .. what's my problem?
Part of it is my job – as hard as I try to just say to myself, this job is paying me good money and I can get through it, I’m unfulfilled and disappointed in myself.
Part of it is – and this is where my talk with Marty comes in – I don’t feel worthy.
I hadn’t ever looked at it that way. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m pretty arrogant. I’m smart and I have very little tolerance for anyone I think should be smart who isn’t acting like it. (Hence my disdain for McCain/Palin. . . but that’s another rant/post.) I'm sure I put off a very confident, if not disdainful, dare I say, elitist(?), vibe.
However, Marty and I share a history. Not that we grew up together or “knew each other when,” but in the sense that, like many young women, we suffered from an abysmal lack of self esteem as teens and young adults and we both tried the same things to fill the “God shaped hole” all humans have.
This morning, she mentioned that, despite what looks to outside eyes to be an exemplary life, a (seemingly) relatively easy life, Marty suffers from depression, too. Because we were "bad" as young women, we feel we don't deserve the life God has given us. We know we don't have to earn anything. That God's grace is unmerited by its very definition. That doesn't change the fact that, inside, we still feel the stain of our lives "before." We are both working hard to internalize the head knowledge but still. . .
What does this mean? Do I overeat to punish myself for being so blessed? Do I sabotage our finances in order to suffer and thereby earn the blessings God has seen fit to bestoy on me, on us?
Am I overstating/overanalyzing this? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I take a lot for granted and I need to stop it. All of it could end at any moment. We are, literally, one catastrophic illness or repair away from being homeless.
Sometimes I get it. Sometimes. At those times, I’m so grateful that I remember to take care of myself and love myself as Christ loves me. When I’m fit and at a good weight and feeling good about how I look, I’m, oddly enough, NOT depressed!
Perhaps, if I am proactive about my weight, the job will be easier to take. I don’t think I’ll ever LIKE it, but maybe my attitude will be better.
On the other hand, maybe not. But it’s certainly worth a try.
On an unrelated note, sort of, I got a comment on my previous post about my kids and Corey kindly added that they have “very special parents” . . . I would add that their parents have a loving God. One who, knowing how messed up Mom is, and loving Dad so much, gifted the two of them with fabulous offspring! I’m only half joking. . .
God bless you today and thanks for stopping by.
2 comments:
Man, are you trying to wear me out this morning? (giggles) Rest assured, dear friend, and I do not say this lightly, but you and Marty are two of the most beautiful, vibrant souls I've had the pleasure of knowing. Rickelle and I are both blessed simply for having known you both.
To berate yourself for what you did when you were young, inexperienced, and ignorant of life, doesn't make sense to me. I have let my past and those mistakes go because I am not that person now. I only have control over what I am now and I try to be the best person that I can be right now and hope that that's enough. A compassionate God should accept that, I think.
As far as having a depressing job - keep searching for something better. In the mean time, bring as much excellence into what you are doing as you can. They're lucky to have you there. But remember, if you don't keep looking for something better, you'll never find it. Hang in there!
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