So, what will be my legacy? I'm asking myself today because a wonderful, Godly man died this week and I was supposed to sing at his funeral this morning. I say "supposed to" because another appointment (at which my presence was superfluous at best) kept me from arriving at the church in time to practice with the ensemble of which I was supposed to be a part. The director found a replacement and I was out. It hurt. Not so much because I wanted so badly to sing at a funeral. I've done that. Not because I loved Jim so much -- I bearly knew him but wanted to honor him. No, it hurt that, after the things I've done and the times I've managed to surmount odds and show up, I still got a vote of "no confidence."
I'm wondering a lot lately who I really am and what my life means. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Tim tries to cheer me up by pointing at our wonderful children. They are wonderful but I feel like very little of their "wonderfulness" has to do with me. We've been incredibly blessed. But they'll leave and then what will I have to remind me I've even been on the Earth at all. Yeah, I'm depressed.
I guess I'm just feeling lost and replaceable. Blah, blah, blah. Yadda Yadda Yadda. I hate feeling sorry for myself but I'm very good at it.
Anyway, if you're reading this and you're not married yet and you're still in school -- figure out who you are first and then join your life with someone else. "Finding yourself" only gets harder if you've already morphed into part of someone else.
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